Slut skills are useful in every country.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
