John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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