On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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