My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
