every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
