So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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