I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I want to be your penis for a week.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
