there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i was born a porn star she said
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
