Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
