just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
