Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
