my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
This toilet bowl is my home.
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