i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
