just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
