Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
