Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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