I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
