Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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