Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
