I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
