1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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