I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this just has baby written all over it
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
