I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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