Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
