is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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