So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
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My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
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That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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