1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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