Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
