Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
