she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
