I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
