Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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