it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
