So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
