The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
