just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
