I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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