dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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