Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
