Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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