Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
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and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
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i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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