Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
