I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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