He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
