there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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