U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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