i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
