You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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