I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
