The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
