Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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