I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
