its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
