I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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