So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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