Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize