I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
