you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
