Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
