So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I got inside last night via doggy door
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
